Dream

Once in a while I have dreams about losing a loved one. I've dreamt about my mom dying at least 5 or 6 times. Each time is a reality check for me and it helps me to appreciate her so much more.

Last night I dreamt that James had breathed in a deadly gas and was barely holding on to life. The doctor told us that he was not a fighter and that we would need to fight for him.

That we were, but it was a losing battle, and we weren't sure how much longer we could hang on to him. It was so vivid. So real. So heart-wrenching.

This morning I woke up to his sweet and smiling little baby face just inches away from mine. With a stinky-breath "hi Mom!"

I've never appreciated it more. He was my treasure all day long. (Andrew, the newborn always is) but James has been pushed aside a lot. We are hardest on him. I think sometimes we take him for granted the most.

It was a wake-up call. I can't take any of my relationships for granted, assuming that they will always be there. That today I will ignore James and Daniel and just cuddle with my baby all day. They need me more. It's not fair to them.

Tonight I just held James and rocked him to sleep. He's still my newborn and I cannot imagine our home or my life without him.

I just pray that I will remember these feelings and that I will cherish him EVERY day. That every day I will treat all of my boys, especially my big one (Mike), as I would if it was our last together in this life. That I won't take them for granted. That I will be nice. That I will enjoy them, and that I will be happy so they can enjoy me... that I will be there for and with them.