A choice

10/30 I talked to James about suicide today.

A few weeks ago he asked me what it was. He said that the kids at school joke about it a lot. 

I didn't go into very much detail. But I started by telling him about one of my friends growing up. She was popular. She was pretty, nice, had lots of friends. She was smart and athletic. She had the stylish and name brand clothes. At the time she was on my basketball team and was a lot better than I was.

But she got stressed over something. She was doing poorly in her math class and was getting a low grade. Her parents were following up on that and she was mad at them. She was angry and she was hurting. And so, one day she decided that there was an alternative to her stresses. She wanted a quick fix. She felt like being removed from her problems would be the end to all of her problems. And so she took her life. 

I'm sure that for a while she was relieved. She was relieved from her math class and the expectations of her parents. But then I'm sure it hit. Granted she won't have the pains that come with mortality and a physical body, unlike all of her friends, she will never know the joys & wonders that come with it. She will never know what it's like to pick out a dress for a school dance, to drive a car for the first time, to letter in basketball or to score a winning point, to walk at her own graduation, to have a college roommate, to fall in love, to land an important job, to get married and to attend her sisters' weddings. She won't be there to have children, to pick them up when they fall, and to cuddle with them. How much experience she is missing out because she chose to listen to satan and to take the seemingly easy way out. 

Here's what her younger sister wrote, 22 years later:

These past few days have really hit me hard. I rarely speak about my sister’s death to suicide, except to those close to me. Yet, over just the past few years, I have watched 5 families that I know in our community become suicide survivors. (And I know there are many more, those were just some close to me or my loved ones.) I have remained quiet all these times and cried to myself and my family rather than say anything public. November 2, 2016 has hit me so hard; I don’t think I should keep quiet anymore. Watching my son lose a friend and a teammate has been so extremely difficult. And watching it happen on the exact same day at the exact same time as when I lost my sister 22 years earlier, the same way, was gut wrenching. It truly brought me back to that horrible day when my family’s life was forever changed. To know that now another family has to cope with this tragedy breaks my heart and I will keep them in my prayers forever, as they have a tough road ahead. I almost feel like my sister is telling me…wake up Kara….say something, you have been through this, you know what it is like. Say something…do something. So tonight, I will say my story and I am speaking more towards the youth of our valley and teenage suicide. I want them to know what it feels like for their family afterwards. I think the best way for me to do this is through a poem that I wrote a few months ago, when I was having a hard day. 22 years after our tragedy, and yes, there are still hard days.

I Wish…

I wish I could change that day.
I wish I could hear your laugh.
I wish I knew how tall you’d be.
I wish I knew where you’d have went to college
or if you would have kept playing sports.
Would you have been a volleyball, basketball or soccer star?
I wish I knew….

I wish you could have met my kids or my husband.
I wish they could call you Auntie Ky…to your face.
I wish I could have been at your wedding.
Would you be married?
Would you have kids?
I wish I knew…

I wish we could go on sister trips,
with 3 sisters.
I wish I could call you to chat.
I wish you could come to the boys’ games,
the recitals,
the holidays,
or the trips.
Where would you live?
Where would you work?
I wish I knew….

I wish there wasn’t a hole in our last family picture,
a perfect spot we all see, where you should be.
I wish your grave wasn’t the only place we could visit you.
I wish,
so much,
We could change that day,
Forever.

This is all that is left after my sister died- memories of 14 years and then just wondering what she would be like and wishing she was with us every… single… day. She hurt our family, she hurt her friends. She changed our lives forever. And more than anything, she missed out on a lifetime- she had an entire lifetime ahead of her.

My purpose of sharing this is to hopefully allow teenagers or anyone feeling suicidal to realize that the pain you feel is temporary. The pain my sister felt, would have been better the next day. She did not look that far ahead. She only thought of November 2, 1993. Yet, look at what she missed out on. Look at what she left behind. I am 100% sure that if my sister could have had another chance, she would have made a different choice, she would not have killed herself that day. If she saw now, what she has missed out on in life, I know she wouldn’t have done that. And that is what I hope to help kids realize through this post. There is so much more to life than right now. We all have struggles through high school and middle school and life in general, but tomorrow is a better day, it always gets better. Please don’t leave your family having to wish and wonder what you’d be like or what you’d have done with your life. Be there, be strong. Be brave. Every one of you is so special and so needed.

I am so sorry for every family who has ever been hurt by suicide. I think what makes it so difficult and different from other deaths is that it is preventable, it was a choice and it could have been changed if only people knew. My parents have had to live with the loss of their daughter for 22 years. It hasn’t gotten easier. We all know she should be here today. If she only told us, if we had ANY clue, we would have done something different. Please speak up, reach out, tell someone. I don’t want another family in our community or anywhere to have to go through this tragedy again. May God Bless Junior Bueno’s family, May God Bless Billy Crawford’s family, May God Bless our community.

What I need my kids to know:

1) Life is just plain hard. That's all there is to it. The sooner you accept and understand that, the better.

2) The purpose of life is to be tested, tried, and proved. Fear, worry, anxiety, stress, fear, hurt, and anger are as old as time. These are not new feelings and emotions. 

3) Pray to broaden your eternal perspective and to understand both God's will and timing in our lives. Trust Him. He will never send us a trial that is too hard for us, so take it as a pat on the back when He gives you something really tough.

4) You're going to have hard times, but you do not have to do it alone. Communicate to us. Ask, write us a letter, yell it. Just let us know that you are hurting.

5) Depths of depression don't last forever. I've had 3 bouts of depression, lasting between 18-24 months. They stink. Read "Like a Broken Vessel" over, and over, and over again. Believe that even if you are called to walk through an entire life with this dehabilitating disease, in the resurrection, you WILL be healed completely and entirely. 

6) I need you to understand that suicide is satan's plan for you. He wants you to be miserable like him and I promise you that you will be. You might have the initial relief, just as one does after drinking, taking drugs, viewing pornography, or being unchaste. But the long term consequence on not just you, but also the people that love you, are almost beyond that which a single individual can bare. The biting regret, remorse, and pain.

7) At the first judgement (when you die and are in either spirit paradise or prison) you will be in a most miserable prison, one that you simply cannot free yourself of on your own. 

8) I'm assuming you will stand a chance at the 2nd judgement, but if and only after you have fully and completely repented of this most grievous wrong.

9) Your life is not yours and it is not yours to take. You can pray and you can plead to Heavenly Father, but He and only He is the one who has the authority to make that decision.

10) I promise you that there IS help. There is counseling. There is medication. There is modern medicine. There are qualified professionals who are able to help. Trust them.

I plead that you: trust Heavenly Father, trust the enabling power of our Savior, trust in the people all around you that love you, and trust in yourself! You may not know it or feel it, but YOU are lovable, there is help all around you and on both sides of the veil.